David31030
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| posted on 8-30-2010 at 03:57 AM |
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Love lifted me; Love lifted my Depression!
David Wayne McCannon
August 10, 2010
Cary, Guys, you are right something happened that radically change my life. I have found love in my life. Not because of a special person, nor a new
thing of this life. I have found love and acceptance in my life by improving my relationship with my Higher Power Jesus Christ. It was spiritual
change in my life.
Love lifted me… Love lifted me… When nothing else would do, love lifted me.
I first became a Christian in the summer 1987. I did it out of fear. I had a warp view of God. I thought he was this all knowing vengeful God
waiting to inflict eternal punishment on those all who opposed his will. I did not want my worm to burn forever in hell never to be consumed or put
out; to live in all eternity in ever lasting pain and torment.
I spent the next 23 years in pain, serving a mighty God that set standards that no one can live by. I was a people pleaser and I constantly needed
acceptance of others to be happy. I had no self-esteem, and I always needed some ones approval to do anything. I was miserable and I hated my life.
I thought if I could earn a lot of money and raise a family that this would make me happy.
I worked hard for 12 years and every time I thought I would be successful something would go wrong. I thought God was constantly punishing me because
I was a sinful man. Nothing I done ever meet the churches approval. I herd of this thing called the victorious Christian life and nothing I ever did
resembled that. I doubted my salvation, and most of all I doubted myself. I felt like I was not one of God’s chosen people.
I joined Prince Avenue Baptist Church in 1996. Things there were different. There was joy in there worship. They listened to music that was Taboo
in my old church. The music was Christian Rock and it had a rhythm and a beat to it. It surprised me because the church I went too taught that rock
and roll was a sin and it was the devils music.
In worship we never did anything to bring attention to ourselves. We song all Hymns and we never clap or raised our hands. We were taught that doing
such things would bring attention to ourselves. This was viewed as self worship. God expected reverence and honor by standing at attention and total
silence during the message with an occasional Amen. And that was our worship, totally dead to all emotions.
While I was at Prince, I went away from my religious upbringing. I still battled with depression and had many suicidal thoughts and attempted suicide
many times. I gave up trying to walk the straight and narrow and started to indulge in what I was taught was sin. I started to listen to hard rock,
and I had a sexual relationship with a woman I meet in a Psychiatric Hospital. We would get rooms in a motel, and I would sleep her in when my folks
were not around. I had fun doing this, but the fun did not last. Things got bad for her and she left. I offered to marry her and move with her to
California, but she would not have it. She said, “I cannot commit myself to loving a man that way. It would not work out.” My heart was broken, and
I realized I was living in sin and I repented. I gave my heart to the wrong woman.
I have had other girl friends but I never slept with another woman since then. The Southern Baptist taught about this personal relationship with God,
and I gave it another try at serving God. I had this teaching stuck in my head from my youth. Others first and self last. I still hated myself and
I thought the only way I would ever be happy was to marry a Christen woman.
My mom died January 1, 2002 and my life totally fell apart. I was no longer just angry at myself, but I was now angry with God. One year and one
month later, I overdosed on my medication and when I realized what I done, I call EMS for help. They came and as they walked me out I blacked out. I
woke up three days later in ICU and my uncle Donnie was there. He said, “You are lucky to be alive. We almost lost you. You went into cardiac arrest
and the doctors really had to work with you to bring you back.”
I received a bill in the mail from the hospital I have never paid. They pumped $14,000 worth of drugs into me that saved my life. None of my earthly
possessions add up any where near $14,000.
It was apparent God wanted me alive and I did not know the purpose. I started seriously fighting my mental illness. I had periods of fare recovery
but not total. In late January 2007 I opened up the website http://athensmentalhealth.org to help others fight mental illness. Athens had no support listings on the web at that time. Its
purpose was to educate others about mental illness and to lead Athenians to local support groups.
During this time I meet this girl Annette, and it was love a first site. I found out she was a Christian on disability like me. We dated nine months
and I was happy for awhile. I thought that Annette was the one that would complete me and bring happiness to my miserable life. It was not meant to
be. She was not satisfied with me and wanted to see someone else. My heart was broken again and I fell back into another cycle of Major
Depression.
Medicine and ECT did not work. I hated my life and I wished I never was born. I stopped living. I hardly ever bathe anymore. I slept 12 to 16
hours a day. I woke up only to eat and go to the bathroom. I stopped caring for myself and it was my hope to die by suicide, or to be permanently
committed into an institution.
In December 2009, I was committed to Peachford Behavioral Health Hospital in Dunwoody, GA. I was fed up and sick and tired being sick and tired. I
said God it is your will for me to live. Everything I tried to end my life has failed. What do you want me to learn from this hospitalization? I
fought the urge to sleep all the time and I attended groups. I learned that depending on medicine alone would not fix me. I learned that I had to
work on my recovery. I was still blind to what my problem was and I had no idea what to do to get better.
Depression is blind, because you can’t see hope. The light is blocked by the eclipse of your soul. ~David Wayne McCannon
July 13, 2010
You are totally blind during the eclipse of Major Depression. You have to walk through a dark valley and there is no light of hope in site. Along
this walk you must get around some major road blocks that are invisible to the naked eye. The road blacks are self hate, the forest of internal
anger, and the deep pit of the hurts of life.
Because of the darkness we can’t see that there are others who are there with us along the way. Because of the darkness you have injured yourself.
You are afraid to reach out for help, and you feel totally helpless. The light of joy seems like it will never shine again. We must work our way
through the darkness. We must let go the anger inside our mind, because it caused the eclipse. We must move our minds from the darkness within to
the light that is outside of us.
We can’t do this by ourselves. Our Higher Power must take us by the hand and He can guide us out of the darkness. We may need to reach out to a
professional for help. We may need a medicine to help the eclipse to end. And it does come to an end. You can’t snap out of it; you must work to
regain joy and happiness in you life. Weather genetics made us prone to it, or a life changing event, we have to work our way out of depression. We
develop bad coping skills that feed our tendency to become depressed. We must accept the fact we are ill. We must reach out for help. We must learn
to love and accept our lives as we are. God can help you with this. Cast all your cares on Him.
David Wayne McCannon
One morning in group at Peachford I attended group and we read a story on forgiveness. I learned that resentment or the act of holding a grudge can
get you stuck in making progress in your recovery. I realize after all these years I have been abusive to myself. I was being way harder on myself
than God ever would have been. I was a prisoner to my depression. The self hate had to go, but how? I realized that I could not do this for
myself. I needed help but were could I go.
Then God spoke to me and this thought came to mind. I have forgiven you, why do you not forgive yourself? I love you for who you are. Who are you
to not forgive yourself? I stood in awe at this revelation. I need to forgive myself?
Forgiveness
Because we are vulnerable, we experience hurt in our lives. Pain resulting from a blow to our self-esteem can cause humiliation and shame. Although
the injury may be imagined, we can feel real pain. If this turns into resentment we recall the painful details and feel the emotions of the
experience as though it happened yesterday. The memory may seem haunting, and we will wish to be free of it.
Treatment can help us end dwelling on the past that resentments or holding grudges can cause. It may allow us to think about past grievances without
feeling pain. We will see our lives as a journey where forgiveness serves as a way station where we can unload the extra luggage of resentments, and
then we can travel more lightly and swiftly.
Resentment is the result of not forgiving. It makes us unwilling to let go of our past hurts, as though letting go somehow defeat our opportunity for
justice. We will see that no matter how right we might feel resentment keep us “victims” and cannot protect us from “future hurt”. On the other
hand, forgiveness often “frees” us of resentment, helping us to let go of the past and “heal old wounds.”
Forgiveness is important for three reasons. First, forgiveness frees us from resentment. Since resentment is the number one obstacle for many people
in recovery programs, forgiveness is essential to our well being. Forgiving lets go of any claim on another for retribution. “We do not seek
revenge.” Second, forgiveness can heal relationships. It allows us to make progress in our lives. People who report being “stuck” in their recovery
might examine whether or not they need to forgive someone in their past. Third, forgiveness leads to freedom, giving us more spiritual energy to
concentrate on positive things. Forgiveness releases us from resentments that wear us out spiritually and psychologically.
It is also important that we know what forgiving does not do. Forgiving does not change the other person or protect us from future harm. Forgiveness
is not a suit of armor that shields us from injury, nor does it give license to others to do whatever they want to us in the future. Although
forgiving releases others from any claims we have on them, it does not release them from their conscience of legal consequences of their behavior.
Forgiveness does not excuse us from responsibly confronting or informing people of we were hurt or injured by their behavior.
When we forgive others we pardon them for a fault or an offense-we let go of any anger or resentment against them. We stop acting like a judge
waiting to pass sentence. We grant pardon without holding a grudge.
The act of forgiveness frees us from resentments. Forgiveness is letting go of painful memories. As we forgive we let go of the pain and punishment
we inflicted upon ourselves by holding a grudge. Once we let go of the resentment, once we forgive a person, we are relieved of our burden and we
open ourselves to receive the gift of “serenity”. The door to our mental prison swings open and we find ourselves on a spiritual hilltop overlooking
a valley of peace. We see we were not diminished by forgiving, but empowered. Forgiveness is an act of freedom.
Author unknown,
While I was in the hospital I learned that I would not be allowed to return home alone again. I eventually move into a residential program for the
next 3 months of my life. A change started slowly in my life. I grew from a baby Christian to a more mature one. I went from a needy person always
needing love, and with God’s help I started to turn into true love.
I meet the gentle side of God. I started to have a personal relationship with my savior and I started to fall in love with Him and with life itself.
Yes God’s hates sin but His loves His children. He wants salvations for us more than we want it for ourselves. God was not the big bully I thought
He was. My sinful nature had me blind to His loving side. Christ said I am the way, the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father but through
me.
Amen
Recovery; It’s a matter of time.
March 27, 2010
By David W. McCannon
When the life storm of mental illness comes knocking at you your door, life seems to be all but over. Hope fades into a distant memory and life is
forever change. Nothing will ever be the same. Why should you die before your time?
When the life storm of mental illness comes knocking at your door, in a desperate cry for help you try to take your life. You find your way into a
mental hospital with a mental diagnosis. Why should you destroy yourself?
When the life storm of mental illness come knocking at your door, you will learn a new word recovery? Is this a myth? You know nothing will ever be
the same. Yet the question remains. Why should I die before my time?
The life storm of mental illness can strike any given time on any given day of life. Like in any storm, destruction lays everything in waste and work
is needed to restore order. This takes time. As we know this too shall pass. We learn recovery takes time. We must get to work. We don’t have to
die before our time.
Despite of the life storm of mental illness life can be good. The good times does come again. We learn we can persevere and grow stronger with the
help of our higher power, friends, and through the fellowship of another person. We learn life is worth living; it takes a lot of work, but it is
worth it. Do the work, you are worth it.
I beat myself up for 23 years
June 4, 2010
Poem: by David Wayne McCannon
I beat myself up for 23 years. Though I was forgiving by God my father, in my twisted rage of self hate I tortured me.
Everyday with every other breath I cursed myself. I had hatred of self buried deep within my soul. Every bad event in life that came my way, I
thought it was God punishing my wicked ways.
I have lost all respect for my life. My anger burned deep within myself, and I sought to destroy myself.
I cursed and regretted the fact I was born. I constantly wished and sought for death. I prayed to God have mercy on my soul and let my pathetic life
come to end. Moment by moment I would say to me that I wished I were dead.
I made thousands of plans to the evil deed of suicide and after failure of many attempts over the years; I finally gave up on trying to end my own
life. It was only in April of 2010, when I gave up on myself prophecy of death by my own hands.
One day I realized that the control I had in my life was just an allusion. I controlled nothing; it was God’s plan for me to live. It was my job to
accept the life that was giving to me, and it is my job to honor my heavenly Father.
Once I accepted the fact I did not choose who I was born to be. I did not choose my language, nor did I choose where I was to be born at. I did not
choose to have Bipolar disorder, but I have it.
I ask God why the things in life was so hard, is there an easier way? Jesus replied; “In this fallen world you must live with pain grow old and die.
The good news is I died so you would not have to. If you fallow me, I will give you rest and peace beyond human understanding.”
I accepted his forgiveness for my sins, and when I received his blessings and forgave myself, I found rest. God said; “My yoke is easy and my burden
is light.”
I learned to forgive myself of my short comings, and then I found peace and joy that is beyond my own understanding. I learned what it meant to be a
child of the king.
I am now working on 90 days free of the bondage of suicidal thoughts. I learned to accept myself as I am. Because of this I am now happier than I
have been in years. I have Bipolar Disorder, but Bipolar Disorder doesn’t have me. Remember recovery is not easy, it was never meant to be, but you
can have joy despite of it.
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David W. McCannon
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JOI
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| posted on 8-30-2010 at 12:54 PM |
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David, the only freedom we have is in Christ. Today, not many people come to recognize this fact.
It is the will of God that you live and live free, that is why He sent His uniquely born son to us.
Once we hear the Word of God, we begin getting faith that it is The Truth.
Romans 10:17
So then faith cometh by hearing, and hearing by the word of God.
Our souls are cleansed when we keep all known sins confessed to God. Until known sins is confessed. it stands between God and us, and we get
miserable, often not even realizing that is the problem.
The Bible has some rules for us, regarding sin and confessing it;
1 John 1:9
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
Psalms 41:4 I said, LORD, be merciful unto me: heal my soul; for I have sinned against thee.
Psalms 51:4 Against thee, thee only, have I sinned, and done this evil in thy sight:
Psalms 66:18 If I regard iniquity in my heart, the Lord will not hear me:
Psalms 103:10 He hath not dealt with us after our sins; nor rewarded us according to our iniquities.
Psalms 103:12 As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us.
Psalms 51:10 Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.
Psalms 51:17 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise.
The first verse, from 1 John tells us IF we confess, we are forgiven. If we do, He forgives. If we do not
we carry around a load of sin that weighs us down. This happens to each of us. NO ONE is exempt from confessing their sin, ir they want the freedom
Christ has already bought for us. It is a matter of personal decision, freedom, or misery.
The coming of the lawless one is according to the working of Satan, with all power, signs, and lying wonders.... because they did not receive the love
of the truth, that they might be saved." 2 Thessalonians 2:9-10
Christ said; "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me." John 14:6
Christ did not die to make bad men good; He died to make dead men live.
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